Jan 1, 2014 # 2

There was a day back in August of 2012 when I had a friend from high school reconnect with me on Facebook.  Oh the dangers of Facebook.  His name was Tom Devlin.  He in-boxed me.  And now today because of my actions, I stand to lose everything that I once stood for that was all right in the world.  He asked me for my number and   I willfully gave it to him. Then I pushed the matter, and asked him why he didn’t call me or text me as he said he was going to do.  Everything was good.

I’m a happily married woman, I thought.  However, he was unhappy- AND misery LOVES company.  Since his marriage was toxic at that time, why not make my marriage toxic too.  This whole time I had stopped going to church for a couple of years.  And toxicity  seeped in DEEP.  I was losing control and didn’t even know it.   I have no job.  I’m on disability.  I feel as I have no purpose in life, and to top it all off, my self esteem is pretty much shot or at an all time low.  My weight wasn’t going down, and I wasn’t happy with my reflection OR what I heard from my husband who was also unemployed.  “No man will EVER want me,” is what I heard from my husband frequently, and I still do from time to time.  Imagine what that does to one’s confidence !?  It takes a toll.

However,  that wasn’t the case.  Every time something went south at home, Tom made me feel special in “sexting” or pornographic text.  In fact, I had just finished reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy,” so it boosted my confidence up a little, of what I wasn’t getting at home.  I felt sexy, and wanted and needed.  In December things got really bad financially at home where Pete said, “Oh well, I guess you guys will have to move back in with your parents.”  I felt insecure and very unstable.  This person  who I have always been there for  and taken care of  for over eleven years of my life, and now I feel like a weight is being slammed into my chest.  I feel like he is bailing out when I NEEDED HIM the most.  He lost his unemployment. I get that.  Times are difficult.    But I felt like he’s been a lazy sloth at times where I take on the weight of the world for the whole family, and he could have done something about it time and time again.  It isn’t like he searched high and low to fill in the gaps to make a little bit of extra cash to help us out in a desperate situation.  He just let us flounder, and seemed not to care about me or the kids.

Anyway, things with Tom and I continued, and Pete was NOT happy.  So more importantly, I deleted him as a friend from my Facebook account, (after all I did have his cell phone number)  and we didn’t talk for about a month.  Things were okay.  My life was going back to normal.  Trouble is gone and out of my life.  My confidence is boosted a bit, and I CAN do it on my own if I really needed to because I AM special, and I AM pretty.  Thank you bad-boy Tom.  Even if you are not a good influence, you did boost my self esteem, for what it is worth.  I  AM worthy.

But there was one thing Trouble Over Mourning (TOM) said a few months back- “We have unfinished business together.”  I guess it was finished NOW. since we weren’t talking right?  Nope.  His wife had an emergency thyroid surgery.  Instead of being there with her, he invited me over, and I let my guard down.  Lucky me.  It was a test to prove that I would do nothing, but the opposite of that is what I did.  Ultimately, it lead to a full blown affair.  I thought I could keep it on the wraps.

However, like a pressure cooker, the guilt ate away at me for several months.  She was out of the hospital.  Things were back to normal for quite some time, and then THEIR storm came.  They had a separation ALL summer.  Once again, willfully, I gave in and was his rock, and his friend during a hard time.  I took walks with him on the boardwalk, at Seaview Marriot, and even at Estell Manor.  I leant him a significant amount of money when he was in a crucial spot in his life and needed it.  After all, his wife left him in a bad spot, and left him high and dry and took his family away from him, and we had one more intimate connection.  Then she came back in September.  Thank goodness.  (Even though at the same time I was sad).

To me, he was like something I wanted before I grew up and had to have ( a BAD drug). Now, today, if I could, I would take it all back, no matter, what because no matter how hard things are on the home front, my constant, and one true love through the good, and the bad times, especially for the kids, is and always has been my husband.

On another note, Dear Father GOD, I ask that you help unblock my creative writing outlet, and if anything comes to mind  in a dream that I wake and write down its importance.  In your name I pray, AMEN.

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